Fogs silver lining
I went for a drive. That drive took me home. A subconscious auto pilot to the place I often seek comfort in and desperately try to escape from.
I never made it home. Driving along the freeway, I noticed the seasons changing. Ones that matched the temperature of my own mind. San Francisco. Beautiful out, but a wind that stings in the shade. Turn the key, rev the engine and now I’m in Daly City. Grey skis, and wet, humid clouds obscure my vision…mist smearing my wind shields from clarity. The clouds stay grey, that is, until I reach Half Moon Bay. Just a little further. The sun at this point is trying to burst it’s way through the weakest clouds.
Palo Alto next three exits. You have arrived. Well almost. I turn to the right, the scenery of clouds is captivating me more than the road ahead. Pull over, Alex. Pull over, and just observe. No, not yet mind, I’m almost home.
And then it hit me.
I like this fog. This fog is like watching how I’ve felt the last few weeks. The tallest and greenest forests and hillsides of Portola Valley are engulfed in a sea of grey. Slowly, yet surely, I watch the fog roll forward uncovering the tallest tops of the trees I use to drive through at 19 to clear my mind then.
I think I had been so afraid of this fog engulfing me and never subsiding; a fog that would suck my color dry, but just like these trees know, it all rolls away, and the trees look even taller than before. Maybe it will be back in the morning. Maybe it will be back next week, a month or a year. Maybe it will spare me grief for now but I know it will be back again.
But that’s the beauty of it all I hear my mind whisper out loud. Nothing beautiful has ever been appreciated without the fog. And when it subsided, we are left reminded of everything we have to be grateful for.
I am taller. This is a beautiful change.
WHEN IM DRUNK AND FORGET ABOUT PERSONAL SPACE
Heartbreaker you’ve got the best of me, but I just keep on comin’ back incessantly. Why’d you have have to run your game on me? I should have known right from the start, you were going to break my heart.
Mariah Carey - Heart Breaker
My Second, My Best, My Love.
I could probably spend hours writing about all of the walls and hoops I broke and jumped through to get to where I am today with her. But now that I am here, I’m stuck. Drowning; slowly but surely like a pit of quicksand swallowing me whole. The more I try to save us, the faster my body disappears.
She’s leaving, it’s inevitable - we’re ending, despite already being “over.”
My heart is torn between relief and aching.
Her love is so much different than the love I felt first. It’s healthy, it’s stable (when her confusion doesn’t cloud her own judgement), it’s supportive, It never stays angry, it’s silly, it embraces adventure…adventures that I wish I had more time to explore and experience with you. It’s a love that wants all the same things that I do in the future. It’s stubborn, it’s sexy, sometimes it seems never-ending, even when we say it has, I hope it never does.
And with the rain there’s nowhere else to go
We’ll watch it fall
Don’t try and tell me you don’t want to see
What it would be like to grow old with me
You’re in love every other day
Cause you smile at me like you’re dying to say
That your heart beat stops when I’m walking away
So don’t walk away
You’re in love
Betty Who - “You’re in Love”
Distill a whole year down into a day
Act like we all start over with a pristine slate
But to get yourself a new life you’ve got to give the other one away
And I’m starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change
December -Sara Bareilles
In India when we meet and part we often say, ‘Namaste’, which means: I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides; I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace. I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.